davinciimnot

beliefs confused

2009-12-03T15:16:19Z

I've already strooled to the store, bought my morning cup of Middle Easter Version of coffee,...I have this ritual or compulsive need to buy a bag of chips every morning, today it was oatmeal cookies and then pack them away once I get home just like a conservative liitle squirrel in the winter time. Lets face it,...the future holds no security and I'm not the type to stand in line for handouts.I've been doing this for the past ,.....month or when ever I'm in town I'll do it,..Right now My goal is to have a whole winery of garbanzo beans in the garage,actually an assortment of various beans stuffed in corked and secured in wine bottles,..Aside from all that , I'm slightly confused about my spiritual essence for the first time.I thought I had it right, but I feel our minds are so bombarded with untruths and uncertain philosophies its hard to weed out what is truthful out there. People procalim the bible holds the absolute truth and it shouldnt be ever questioned. Having taken courses in college of the History of Christianity and discovering how the Bible was comprised by a select panel of Rabi's or council members which excluded many scriptures and formed the bible to a certain degree of control mind set in my opinion, it's hard for me to take the bible literally.
Jesus the Savior has always been difficult for me to accept , I believe a divine figure of hime surely once lived, but I find it difficult to believe he is the son of the Supreme creaor of the cosmos.I strongly believe there is life scattered all through out the universe and we arent the only centered lucky ones that occupy this vast galaxy for Gods personal intentions to work with. So believing that I automatically eliminate that we are alone and are that special for the creator of the universe brought us a savior just for special little old us and said to hell with the rest of the universe.I do believe Jesus came to share wisdom and i have no problems at all with his teachings i actually i find them to be very spiritually enlightening for a higher conscious purpose.
Having my own encounters with E.T.s of strange sorts puts alot of questions as to we arent alone and life doesnt only exist here on planet earth. Lately I've come to think that most alien abductions are from aggresive type species, can these be the ones the elders referred to as demons?....And then I began to wonder do they only pray on those who are weak in a strong faith of hope and security that is endowed by strong convictions to the holy divinity. Since dismantling my beliefs systems that was once a stong security of empowerment attrbuted by the Bible i find myself,.................wavering in the wind and can only at time count on myself for strong spiritual strength,....Ive almost strayed away from God ,but not entirely,.....Im just so confused with the Whole jesus factor........I think certain entities eat off the fear of my kundalini spasms.Before i would have this strong impenetratable wall of security. now its slightly broken.......I believe I am a slither of God Consciousness and have to get back there,.....I think confusion with so many conspiracies out there has dilluded my spiritual oneness,.....
I just know in my heart that God the creators conscience is the only way to prevail through such encounters.
times are difficult.

hmm,...

2009-12-02T00:20:06Z

I sure do sleep a whole lot better with my little nina by myside at night. Of course I don't have the hammer cocked on it, just in case I have a fucked up dream and I find myself putting my gun to my head from some mind controling reason.
Still working, still , well i was going to write aloof, but ai'm really not,.....I try to keep a sound mind in this reality just so i dont slip to far off the far end.I would would to just seperate froom it all and wake up in the morning and blast the radio at full blast , but i feel i cant miss the daily events on the radio media reports of this ransacking thats going on in our country.I feel if i were to miss a day of not putting an attentive ear to all the mind blowing news then i could possibly find myself under chinas control or a pandemic crises without having the slightest clue if i were to just play the radio and not stay attuned.
ughhh,...im eating alot , but i still stay fit,.. doing art work sure is a whoe lot different sober then on drugs im tellin ya,...no women in my life at the moment, thank God,,...and at the same time kinda boring but not really,....i have this bith named art that keeps my mind stimulated and confused alot most of the time,...its probablly a relationship thats worse than a real one to be honest,.....
ughh

It's polar bear cold down here...

2009-11-30T16:16:15Z

I feel I'm kinda getting back intot he groove of keeping a daily or at least a weekly journal of things in this speck of life on a rock called planet orbiting around a lighbulb type of star that is part of a bigger spiral of dust and glitter that is swirling around an even vastly larger pond of full of amoeba shaped galaxies that will eventually bounce , collide , and maybe even drain back to where they initially were created or popped out of,...
pink Floyd i in the background, Thought control,.....I'm sick of it,..
Still working on my project but the cold weather especially in my uninsulated garage is quite hard especially when i dont have any Eskimo blood in my lineage, but I keep trucking on.
Back on this thought control. Gonna share an example of what subliminal thought control is especially in movies and t.v.'s where those altering brain wave transmissions are emitted that everyone seems to be hooked on like cotton candy or some nast lip biting heroin..
That remake of the movie "The day the Earth stood still," with keanu Reeves,...
theres a part where the invading Alien species has launced a plague of global proportions across the planet eating up everything in sight on the based on the judgement and decision that earth's people were a destructive planet and could cause harm to any other neighboring galactic community, which i fucking agree by the way,..any how,......somehow they convince him to give humanity a chance, so he finds it in his heart to reverse the plague thats eating up the known planet and life,....and he succeeds,....
NOW pay attention,.....the movie then reminds us what we are dependent on and aims to trigger that part of the mind to keep an imprint of what fuels this world and where your concerns should be so you can hold dear to them. It shows a picture of Oil wells and Electric companies that survived the genocide!!??? does this not ring any bells?? Its the Big fucking corporations subliminally reminding you what you should hold secure and worry about at all times. If we feel that we should always be dependent on these energy sources than its our own fault we find ourselves slaves to the corporations!...Figure it out, maye in 4 to five years you might get a spark in the head to wake up to the mind raping they are doing to us.

ahh fuck this,..i need to start working on something
If i get this painting the way i want it to look in my head then new york is in for a good surprise

mouse

2009-11-25T23:33:55Z

despite my early introduction back into the mental scene of my lucid reality,...everytime i walk i'm sick and tired of hearing a squeaky sound coming from my left ,..no wait right shoe....it sounds like i have a mouse in my pocket with each thug step,..
OFF the subject but this is just proof to what i mentioned earlier today about how I our my conscious mind occupies all time realities of this mental plane,....Im sitting at my dinner table , it's where I normally work off of and have all my art mediums and instruments and what not ,...yadda yadda yadda ,.........and i see this quick stroked drawing of a pig on the back of a newsprint drawing pad ontop of the table i drew sometime this month that really didnt capture my full attention,...So im sitting here having a convo with the mother, i look down and i instantly link that sketch to an even earlier sketch about 10 or more years ago that I drew of a PIG at a table,..this is the point where metaphors and correllations and time lines all come together in the glimpse of life that i know it and gets all weird, if not ..........understandying about myself and how my conscience works...
this is how i see it,..
that drawing of a pig 10 or more so years ago that i just recently connected to be related to this pig sketch ontop of my table was a timeline checkpoint or reminder of somewhat,...if anything it was foretelling where my mind would revisit later on down the road,...its confusing yet its not,...we all live at the same time,....POINT is,...im deeply entrenched in depicting pigs at the moment which i would have never fathomed of thinking i do in any artistic composition EVER!! but its what i see is happening right now within the Americas with these slobbish ransacking totalarist pieces of shit im depicting in my crrent work of the MonOligarchy of out current state of economics ,....Arghhh.........fuck it noone will ever understand the high i get off of it is that im aware where others arent of my own creation of mind and future or this <..______________________ <------- a space where no words can define to describe this---------> soul

Not Good Not good Not ZoooGood!

2009-11-25T23:17:51Z

Shit!!! And I mean shit in the way like!! WTFuckk!! was my drunk ass thinking??... I was trying to cock the hammer on my 9mm. with one hand,.. which i did! and im proud of myself on a personal Rambo survivalist level,,,,but stupid fuck me who likes pulling the trigger on this gun while i tote it with me through out the house allday strapped to my side like some sort of wanna be Dirty Eastwood thought the barrel was empty, and BANG!! shot right at the fuckin ceiling and now my ear is still ringing like a fucking siren!......I"m BACK!!!

Gunz blazing and mentally draining into conscience metaphors and diss them whores!,... fuck my ears are rining and it still smells like gunpwder in here,....atleast little NINa is ok,...
me i'll always be alive

Back in the Saddle,....

2009-11-25T16:33:48Z

This is going to be difficult, but i believe I need to start keeping my thoughts and the reality i see around me on a daily basis just to keep a sound mind and a healthy outlook in some sense. I can't go to far into explaining my absense from my memoirs, ...chances are I'll plug them in from time to time as if they happened just yesterday..I'm a firm believer that time has no begining or end and is all happening at the same moment,.. whcih is probablly why I don't have the urgency to wear a watch around my wrist.My thoughts feel rusty and not as spontaneous as I recall them being when writing my thoughts.
For Now I'm lazedly ...i don't even know if thats a fucking word or not,..LAZEyly* maybe?...What i'm trying to say is im dragging ass and wrapped up at this moment working again on some ideas floating in the Nogen. I cant ignore my thoughts as much as I try ,..how can anyone be in denial and unaware of the weary vibration that is engulfing this fucking planet??....I feel l ike this guitar chord and the life and energy around me are strumming my strings and it enlightens an awareness in me and consciouslly to make sense of my reality without denying it... I've been afraid to activate my thinking lately. And I've decided to go ahead and let the mind go loose again,....The creative child is locked in a box with a chained door concealing him within inside my mind and just as any hyperactive sugar induced kid cant stand being locked indoors on sunshining rainbow field days, so my conscious feels,..that little fucker is kicking the door rattling the chains and breaking out once again,..
If anything, and this is important, if anything begins to try to distract my thinking and divert its energy by introducing it fear as they usually do in my dreams and in my sleep, then those fucking entities are gonna create a bigger problem,...and i will vibrate at a level that will shatter their reality like a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick straight to the ass.

sounds crazy but this is the type of shit i have to deal with when my mind goes active..
Fuck it

jus the top of the mind,..

2009-08-17T22:19:35Z

Well my eyes are really flipping me the fuck out right now,...i dont even know if i can write this letter ....maybe if i just look at the keyboard and ignore the monitor screen things will work out ok?
It'ss either dyslexia acting up or watching that big screen t.v. where the tint is all fucked up and everyone looks purple that is fucking with my color spectrum...
....
well i've decided to go through with it....and i might become a part of society or play in societies game alittle bit and ignore all the conspiracies for a bit and buy a car.........
i'm thinking of getting a volvo c30 ....
all for a fucking gorl ..
its ridiculous,.
i love bumbing rides but its comiong down to where im gonna need to pick up a date now instead of it being the other way around,..
off the subject but not really,.......The people in Corpus Christy need to be steralized right away!!...... I just came back from there after spending a week out there and you talk about people operating on less than 3% of their brains,......
its fucking annoying....especially when your standying in line at Wal-mart and everyone is paying with a damn Lone Star card with a shopping cart full of kids and they cant even use it right ,..........I read an article a year back or so and damn it if the Wall Street Journal wasn't right when they stated that Corpus Christi has the highest rate of medical birth defects than anywhere else in the nation.

I FUCKING CONCUR!!!
which reminds me ......
i saw a lady dresses up as dorthy from the Wizard of OZ , no shit pig tails red slippers and blue checkersd farm dr4ess and all in the damn parking lot out there .........it was odd.....
no more bitching....
if i evolve i want my skin to be impervious to radiation and solar flares...
...
thats it for now

Mozzie up to the bar.

2009-08-05T15:04:50Z

I'm slowly coming back, in time i'll be here more often to unravel all the chaos i guess you could easily put it,..
I text Stevie Technology yesterday and sent him a song from Gaslight Anthem title Old White Lincoln to check out. I'm really feeling that song at the moment and its a sound that is just going to push me future in every creative sense that i need right now...that and i have it attached to two different loves or temptations as well,..I usually attached songs to people and have been doing it for a long time , its easier for me to remember a person that way,..So its sticky noted to a hot 22 year old Puerto Rican Alessi and a bar flying grasshopper Fairen who claims to have a talent in hacking computers...
Where was i ?? i fell off track.......
oh yeah i had a point,..
So Stevie Dazog texts back asking if i'm in town ?,.....and for the last week and a half I 've been calculating and feel so detached from not doing art work anymore,, and i feel almost as if i've become a slave mind working and not expressing my self as i love to so freely ...
so i wrote hime back this response,.
No..at home.Im figuring if all the conspiracies and radio talk shows r all talking about a complete meltdown then why waste my time workin I'm in Pina Colada city.

and it made alot of fucking sense......at the time .......it's hard to ignore the talk everywhere about this complete econmical orchrestrated disaster we are all facing,...and if History reminds me right,......Artwork and Gold are the only things that hold value during a crisies .......SO i dont have gold,..but i sure cold make some serious artwork people tend to be transfixiated with...
I'm free again!!!!!!!!!
i m slowly getting back to it....
give me 3 weeks
sO I didnt get to those pina coladas likei told Steve tech. the bar wa sout of mix so i ended up getting a Blue hawaiian with 2 extra shots,...it was my first,..and it to me looked like antifreeze,....but it was exactlly what i needed to cool the engines down from the scorchin ass 100 degree heat from outside,........Coincedentally the bartender said it matched her panties which she showed me,....see.........this is where shit gets crazy now,...and i take it there.......
but it was a perfrect color match up from panty to drink ,..she was telling the truth.
I ignored all that ,...and took to a conversation with a woman about food and good cuisine named Terry who recommended i read the book called No Reservations by Anthony Bourdain
so ...................she was fucking a numbed skull liberal and In fact there were nothing but liberals at that bar lastnight..
So i was polite and told her we should be restautrant buddies since we love eating good exotic foods we could inite one another to challenge our great skill for finding the best hidden spots to eat here in San antonio,...she was cool with it and wrote her info on the Franziskaner Weissbier coaster......
Now this is where it really gets bad,.....
Im still at the bar.......MAnny is to the left of me arguing to a liberal about conspiracies and the end of the U.S. Dollar,...anyways so this guy ,..im keeping it short He told me he was gay and opened up to me about that and he was the brother to Chris Madrid the guy who owns the burger joint here in town ,..and he wanted my taint,..and it wasnt happenin...
so we lost him in the parkin lot while he followed us out of the bar on our way to Jims,...
Where i was later awakend up by the waitress at the booth telling me our steak and shrimp was ready,.....
damn,.. things got outta control

Real fast because my battery is going dead at the bar

2009-07-30T20:45:16Z

Ok brush up real quick,...I met and befriended a conservative drunken liberal lawyer chick at pappaduexs restaurant while eating oysterswhich doesnt make any fucking sense as did her view in politics,......then i met some girl later on that day whose name was one of a kind ..Fairen..who claimed to be a computer hacker and claims that her last boyfriend from cali where shes from , supposedly his dad was the charater named Warshack in the horrible never ending movie the Watchmen,...some how my drunk ass told her i promised to help her with her a/c unit that is fucked up in her car??.........she was actually pretty cool,..from what blurriness i do remember,..but and i mean BUt the fuck up!!........this leo has my complete undived attention ,..i met her through my cousin and shes puerta rican and 21 and laughs at all my bad jokes,..and,.......i see her as more of a challenge than the other 2 i mentioned,..and well just see what happens,.......

imagine if i really .....

thought about it

MArgarita Pale horses

2009-07-27T22:08:42Z

Quick entry while im at the bar,..i was walking the other day at my cousins boss's property and his neighbor who has a horse sees me and does this Mr. Ed noise and to me i translate it to thinking that the horse was saying hey whats up i'm bores and its fucking hot outside,.. which it was its been in thee 100's this entire week in Auatin,...so i walk over and the horse does the same right up to the fence and i gently go in to pet him , not rushing in because im respecting his boundaries,..and we just start talking,....and i promise him the next time im there ill bring him carrots,..during this whole encounter im eating a lime..and so he keeps nibblin or hinting that he wants to eat taste it,..so.....i am hesitant at first ,..i really dont know of any horses favoring limes or margaritas,..so i give it to him ,.. and he eats it ..
and.....
that was just odd

to late , but never

2009-07-24T02:31:53Z

I need to start writitng my thoughts again,...........im letting too many ingenious thoughts just fly away from me without documenting them down.. where to begin where to begin,..fuck!
Well ...i owuld like to say since hyperfluxing my subconscious and breaking it free my reality has changed its spectrum a bit to where i see reality in an entirely diffrent way,...
Point being since this new outlook in seeing thru the lies,.......I won 3rd place in a texas holdem poker tournament game last night and i just started playing cards about 3 months ago??....so im a little surprissed at myself for being able to read into things a little be more knowledgeablly,...i even took down a veteran vegas texas holdem tournament player ,........where will this different outlook take me now??.im curious to findout,..
life and reality,........what a bumch of playdoh

Krackhouses

2009-05-02T03:50:12Z

I'm in Aransas Pass right now sittin gin the hotel lobby trying to figure out what the hell is going to happen here from now.
I'ts taken three trips and well over 800 dollars to figure out bay fishing just aint my bag of tea.
I think I'm better off taking that money and buying me a lobster dinner and a bottle to make stiff drinks than waste my gambles away at trying to catch some fish out at sea for what i'm paying.
Enough bitching already,...my mental focus is evolving everyday i'v entrenched myself and studies into the endocrine systems and the energies of the chakras,..and like a bolt of lightning it all hit me at once,..
damn it i have to ellaborate this at a different time someone is already on my back wanting to get online here in the hotel lobby,...
but i'm happy to know that my mind is open to explain once again through these writings and decipher all the bullshit that surrounds my eyes to get to that higher conciousness .........fuck gotta go
oh yeah crack houses in austin are way more fucked up than i had imagined,..fuckin inner city circuses

Ding ding!!

2009-04-26T12:46:57Z

last nights memmories are a blurr, i faintly recall hugging the porcelain god and spewing out my soul,...seems i've challenged a guerilla last night to a boxing match 2 weeks from now at austins sunday flea market,...i say, lets Rock!!,..im due for a good fight,..too buzzed to type more im going later to see rebecca on 6th street at that pizza shop , hopefully that works out to my advantage in getting some pennsylvanian cheesepie

its been a while

2009-04-25T00:09:31Z

i think its time to come back:)
fuck life is one twisted cinnamon roll..!~~

breaking clocks with hammers......

2008-12-19T04:10:35Z

I havent a clue as to why i title my journal entries with such metaphoric meanings before i begin to write or type .....sometimes i just sum up what i like to believe is the bulk of bullshit that my life is engulfed with in a way or code that only i could decipher....
im sure some how or way through my stream of conciousness in writing right now those refrenses can show some validity or purpose in a strange way that only i could make the connection.......
whatever the fuck it is i know i hate the mechanics of time and im trying to destroy or beat it if not trying to obtain as much information to fuel my soul after it leaves this shit pile world humanity itself has destroyed..........im falling off track again,

so life ....its what i write abot here..whats going on ...what is so impotant for me to jot down to look back and remember...........well franky, youve managed again to complicated shit so damn much so let me begin to ADD rattle off into a summary of the bullshit ....
youve mentally dismantled yourself from reality and have adopted a very cynical outlook on life and have put yourself in a complete survival mode beyond the understandying of most to actually findmyself seperated from the views of everyone else 2 dimensional understandying of life and have slowly come to see every one (sad to say) as a massive dummed down body of wandering drones..........i find myself arguing at times to defend my position and have beome tired and have given up to try to wake up the blind masses.....
atleast that is one facet of what my mental demeanor is.....
i can exapand more in detail but why waste time....
im still currently writing a book or just writing down ideas and thoughts attached to illustration for any moron , which there are many to easily understand how the human mind has become infected if not plagued with a complete dilluted ignorance and i atleast am trying to show a step by step process if not an outline on how to come to grips of the vibrational schism of bullshit you have digested and adopted that has programmed your mind to distract you from the realities of the real codex of life we live in.....
its complicated but .......its something to keep my mind active as of right now i am no longer practicing the arts....
As for the asrt and a talent for which im highly prasied for and have succeeded in basking in my own eccentricity and ego.......whic must dont understand my ways or why i choose not to market myself like a cheap CD.........but with great music inside,........they are still seeking to line me up with a full scholarship and have offered to give me a job at the University after i finish to expand my thoughts on others , which can be enlightening i beleive during this economical crisies and fall from creative thinking we are all diseases or plagued with..where are the john lennons? where are the Ghandis??
where has the creative minds gone??
whcih reminds me in in new mexico right now and with the fucking black magic marker sharpie i have i neeed to spread the message in ever bathroom stall all the way back to san antonio tomorrow when i leave back home....
and i will write
infowars.com
ill expand on the idea later ........
so my mind is still active and still hiding things from myself in in writings .som much to say yet i need to keep it discreet and i must say......
sex is becoming quite boring for me....
although......im in a strange opportunity ,....actually i shouldnt say its an opportunity but it a dilemma im in ......my 2nd cousin has the permiscuous eye honed in on me and i dont know what to do???
it wouldnt be that much of a problem if she werent so damn good looking,..my moral and dignity are on the line in a balance of evil and good and evil right now in our time at this moment has seem to be getting the best of all of us.....
i do enjoy walking into the bar and still picking up the hootest girl there that pisses off every guy in the bar once i 1 night stand her back home....
there are tattoos every where on this current girl im dating or screwing but damn her vagina needs a fresh mint ,.......goodness shit.......i actually thought her vagina had just smoked a cigar before i hit it the oher night like mohammed ali....round after round.......
im buying the bitch luck charms cereal boxes and stuffing them with little alcohol mini bevereages.......thats enought for now

no lights ,bt the mind still thinks

2008-11-06T03:53:28Z

living with no lights on at the moment, still breaking and deciphering my consciousness day by day minute by minute gathering the rights moment to start to write down the breaking of the codex and how to survive it...

i will survive it

Breaking the Codex

2008-10-31T17:14:46Z

life is crazy I havent the time or enough ink to write about it...
But there are much more important matters that have been engulfing my every thoughts behind every visual image and echoing beneatht he voices directed in my way...
its the codex...it must be broken to become free...
all i need is some time to myself ...i'll write....
ill disect ....ill break the interlocking mental restraints that had inprisoned and not allowed the mind to expand....
i have to do this...
i must
.
i can break the matrix of life

hard to post

2008-10-25T06:11:36Z

coked up and the world is going to shit.....onfowars.com

i dont have any time or can find time to disect or take time time to dialect thr]e troubles of my life
....

typing with a squinty eye.........

life in the left hand

2008-10-09T13:37:40Z

It's been 2 weeks and i have not once picked up a pencil nor have i had the desire to explore my own regions of my creative mind to want to bring any thought into my 3 dimensional reality.
the sunlight is casting in from outside trying to pierce its way through the broken blinders and i see all the specs of dust and pieces of what i dont know,...floating through the room like a current does in the ocean ,......music in the background,....
my mind is such at peace and i fill in short time it will awaken to do it all over again...

i recieved a call yesterday while eating souper salads right inbetween chewing on a piece of okra from a Art Gallery here in town that would like to stop by for a studio visit to see what other wonders i have in my possession so they could showcase....
but the same problem still presents itself....im constantly being told by curators and gallery owners that my work is too fine of work for the average person to afford..
im constantly told its museum worthy and with something being labeled at that high of a caliber its impossible for the locals to afford it....that wasnt my intention to do so...
had i lived in New york none of this would be a problem......
but the sounds of taxi and street lightd humming around every corner isnt a reality here instead it the sounds of police cars , ambulances, random gun shots, and occassional drunken sailors roaring up noise outside that brings my closer to my gun...

ive decided on this.....the 24th Ortiz gallery is to come over....
visit...
she will see my red ink paintings,...its already been told to me that they are to fine of art in an avant garde style new and never seen before in the art world and unaffordable to buy.....im going to tell her and promise her because time is short....that if she invest in me and gives my an art space where i can practice my freedom and be at peace and seperated from persons and reality that best creative enviornment i work in best....that i can produce her work of art that will redefine of what art is today,....i will create works that no other artist but i could compose...
and she will know it and believe it....
aside from that im going to take that scholarship.....and i will wreck the minds and subconscience of the walking fools in that campus with my side slanted understandying how the world is designed and operates..........
andddd.......
Shanna came over ,,,,she took me out for sushi.....and saki....
it was very good actually then for dessert we walked across the street looking both ways so we wouldnt become road kill and saw dildos and crack pipes ....
then came home....i sexed her down....
and then sex for beakfast.....
my life is a disaster

restless thoughts and broken ribs

2008-10-08T03:57:52Z

I was a no show to my own art show.......
The Dean would like to meet with me to offer me a full scholarship if i were to attend his college....
groupies are stirring about so eagerly wanting to get a glimpse and gander of who this artist might be that chaotically creates masterpieces out of nothing coventionally...
The song that wraps my mind is the Verve ...Love is noise....
and of course i always add my own broken lyrics that justifies my own ears and blazes the soul......
"Love is the sweat that drips from my brain and its all the same even when its numbed with cocaine... love is the way love is the talk, love is the silence in an empty box "..........

So where are my thoughts?
for once in my life my mind is at test with no worries of what to create what to make ...
Kathy wrtoe me today and woould like to sit down with me and talk about getting me back into school,...although i see it is a little late for me to venture back into school at the age of 31 years old,...but then it hit me and it couldnt be a better time to do so..
I'm old enough to date any of the hot teachers and just old enough to not be considered to old to date some of the strarry eyed girls that lust in secret for the love that i bring the pain in the hand when i write my name its in the walk the way i talk the dance as i turn the corner to an empty hall ...
the way i look blinded into the sun that glows on my face .......
I guess its time for me to turn this college upside the fuck down...They will have their own little Picasso.......
am still doing my best to ignore all arrangements and meetings to get me to talk about the way i construct or go about creating me compositions that one curator urged i do for the people who needed to know...

i dont think so.......
Job security popped into mind....
you cant touch the depths of this mind.....
Shan Shan is coming over tomorrow........
im talking her into buying me a flame thrower???
i hope my dimples can persuade her to do so....
love is noise......love is the blue that trickles down from a broken ocean flooding a white plain
ohh i forgot... it was almost too funny while in the ER waiting room awaiting to take my X-rays to see if i did indeed have my ribs fractured or broken from Manuels fatass dropping the Peoples Elbow on me while i laid drunk love buzzed in bed from drinking crown that i served myself from across the bar because im a dumb ass who loves drowning myself under my own discression...<-----that might be mispelled.......anyways...im texting Steve dogg and shanna back and forth and im laughing so much that my ribs are hurting and i slippped up and text messaged Shanna , but it was intended for steve that the Coke i did Firday did indeed hurt when i inhaled...
of course Shanna texts messages WHAT?!?.........and me being the think quiker i am changes the subject and talks about Indian Food or was it a Flamethrower??......i cant ever tell the difference...
i cant wait to get back to school ....talk about a rockstar Artist love swing....

eyes and feathers Every where,.......time arises..

2008-09-29T12:16:26Z

days have come
hours have most definately passed....
the last time i was wanting to write any squirming thoughts in this little journal of mine i was gonna jot down about all the feathers that are everywhere.......
I was in Arkansas at the time , and i dont recommend anyone to vacation out there any time soon....
Arkansas has its share of fine people , but there is no place like home,...
I woke up the other night in this frozen hotel room with this excruciating pain behind my lung inside my ribcage as i tried to turn over in bed......a pain so hard it felt as if someones knee and all their wieght was lodged and forced right onto me not letting up.....i pried myself slowly from the bed and took a shower and spitted a few times to make sure i wasnt bleeding internally......i was still buzzed from the night before bouncing around slowly under neath the shower spout,.......no blood,....mind still woozy from all the Crown...
it was stupid for me to get to this state , i was pouring my own drinks from behind the hotel bar ,,...why do people let me do this?
the pain im feeling is 6 days old and is with me today....it was from the "peoples elbow," a WWF wrestinling move from a fat ass 300 hundred pound drunken asshole who came pounding down on me when i was in bed talking on the phone....

I missed the reception to my own Art Show on thursday the 25th of September at 5 oclock because i was locked and trapped in arkansas...i felt the nerves miles away and was proud all in the same sense.....
So......did everything happen as i predicted?
.
.
.
.
eyes are everywhere.....
i sit in honor upon this throne ......
i prevailed
i shut up those who were in defiant of me
and i open up the eyes of those who realize what can become of me....
The show was a success...more than that a revolution of what art can become or a direction it can head into....
is this me just thinking all these wild thoughts again ??? NO...\just like ive written in the pass as i siad would all happen , now curators art majors, gallery owners, deans, and people like you and i all alike all agree something is going on here....

my mother is extremely proud, as she has always been....
I wasnt there at the reception , but i had my mother and my red heaed blu eyed girl friend who i nickname Trazon from time to time do the networking for me....
I've recieved 2 offers from 2 different gallery owners who eagerly want my business...
One is from the San Antonio Museum of Fine Arts, who im flattered about,... i wish it were the McNay Museum , but im sure word will get around and theyll be knocking at my door pretty soon as well.....
amongst all the chaos and subconscious stirr up i did from the art work at the show , my mother was told by Kathy that the Dean from Incarnate word College which is a very pestigious college here in san antonio for those who dont know is offereing me a full scholarship to finish school there after seeing my art work.....
its a nice offere but why in the hell would i go back to college??
hot girls, partying, my mind loose and free,.......
damn maybe i might reconsider it....
today is monday and ive screwed my brains out and loved life every second of it ,...i tuched a rhino at the zoo saturday.......played with butterflies minutes later.....
smoked hookas last night ,,,,....danced around with eyes of blue through out the night....
today i s monday and now i ll make calls to see what the hype is all about....
i left them all in suspense.......everyone wants to know about me the artist and why is that so important???
im glad i didnt show up ,,, if i had id be bombarded with so many questions its drive me closer to insanity than i already am.........
an art historian is already wanting to interview me about the thought process involved in all this work of mine,...
questions questons questions shes wanting to probe.........
i dont think she can handle my answers.,,,,
i n eed to hold onto my modesty
.........
anyhow everything i wrote since day one ....is all relevating as the times come .....
its time to open up your eyes and get out that box people........
art to me dont mean shit.........but i have this talent to make art stick in your mind and have it twist an turn in time to make you question life your reality.......passion
lets not forget that word.......
this is only the beginning of a long chaotic destructive artistic journey......
i flow in the heart of goods thoughts and subconscious

Debauchery of the angels save the chickens....

2008-09-09T04:04:16Z

Time,....its a machine created by man in the form of ticks and tocks and on occassions a cuckoo bird and recently to now its squeezing me and my patience and im against the wall i have to complete everything byu the 19th of this month so they can haul off all my works of art to the art space for the showing and im nervous, scared, tired, fed up with vicariously through this world questioning every little thing that disagrees with me and as each day goes by i see how many lies this world is flooded with and im not the kind of seaman to sail my boat into a tsunami full of shit.....whatever that means i havent a clue im just .........

just wondering what the point of this all?
The sacrafices i made the people i loved lost, father, sister, my sanity gone,....
was i wrong in chasing a dream or was it just a destiny that i had no control of the lead me to this artistic journey?
The sand in the hour glass is almost empty whats to happen when i stand before them all?
Why do i have to be there?
why do i have to answer questions?
when you watch a movie at a theatre does the director have to be there to explain his motives behind each scene?
...
i have this ache in my chest and its nothing broken just worn out,...my heart has ticked so much like a clocks to the beat of a drum that marches armies to war and i want no more....

she gave me a venus fly trap yesterday .....to grow of course the seeds will take 8 weeks to sprout...
..
i whipser in her ear at night asleep in my closet the roof leaks water into a bowl of some shaded blue pastel that i dont use anymore and we both ignore it but it still drips through the night......and i hold her tight and i whiper in her ear the most sincere echos that could ever come from my weathered heart,...and she always answers back ....
how is that?
Feathers are all over the floor some joke i played by throwing featehr her way while she lied there in my closet reading a book while i made chaotic lines that go on and on until the end of time subconsciously through eternity ,,...i guess youll have to see it casue youll never grasp it if i explained it....but its for her to keep......im no indian giver, i actually think tha statement is politically incorrect but history books will never correct thier lies...
and so while takin a piss this morrning at about noon a white feather was attached to my member and i thought real quick....it had to be from me sexing that angel half passed midnight in my closet that must be it.......
this story is true the characters are hidden to protect their eyes,.....
anyways,.....whatever happens happens,....
im thinking of giving all my work to the mcnay if nothing sells,.....
i didnt eat chicken today
but i should have

Picasso Be Proud

2008-08-30T19:16:30Z

My journeys revolving this scattered life has seem to put me in a frame of mind to where the world around me that i either read about by disecting the very fabric or morality coded in the bible troubles my spirits and in return i become angry of the possible lies all of us have possibly been drowning in....My revelations and philosophies of life that i could never explain in words but felt in my heart that dismantle the very foundations of which relegious ritual are based upon are becoming more and more evident as each days passes on.
I sometimes feel that my soul has lived so many life times before and is wise in all aspects to understandying the true grace of God and ignore all the rhetoric debates and battles of relegion that troubles man and seperates them rather than uniting them....
My soul my everything , my spark of existence lies in a Power of wisdom beyond anything the bible can teach me that i didnt already know already,....
God has always been with me.....I protect him he protects me....
it was allways thought....the spark of thought and imagination that made it all happen.......
ohh how i saw that so long ago sitting at my grandmothers table at such an early age with my eyes shut so tight questioning and pondering what it was like before there was nothing and where was God what was he alone doing??
and i saw deep in my young little mind that wasnt preoccupied with toys or cartoons at that moment to distract me, ....it was the thought of God that sparked it all,...
ive lived so many lives before and i feel it in my soul,.....and this Time Ive gotten it right,...

I feel the vibrations of consciousness in my finger tips when i stretch out my hands out into the sky and molest the air and clouds above with my hands tells me something is wrong out here in this Game of Life and something sprinkled with fear is near...
I like to believe Im like a human polygraph,.... its the best way i can explain it and how i reacte to things persons or places around me...,....The vibrations i feel all around me in the world once i walk outside that door reminds me that minds are becoming more short tempered and have shorter attention spans than before and minds only revolve around themselves and nothing else,....and those are the ones i see that are so trapped in this rat box.... it seems so pointless and hopless that anyone or anything can bring any kind of awareness to the lies that we are all living each and every single day,.....cynical is a word in the dictionary that ive known to define and embrace which suits my mood at times...

this is the reality of which im locked in and everything after this sentence is the bullshit in life that entertains my eyes and senses of my cynical self that has no relevance in the expansion or salvation of reaching any sort of higher consciousness only illustrates another perspective of why everyone even myself can get wrapped up in the bullshit in their life which can divert themselves from ever evolving more so than what happens in everyones mundane life,..........so i try my best to act like i give a shit from time to time ,......and so my virtual reality of my bullshit life begins,.........

Right now im in a situation where if Picasso saw me now he'd be proud that an unknown talent like myself can score chicks left and right without any agility or celebrity status and use no apparatus to lure them in and i tear them apart with my eyes without sin and i rarely ever let them in on this mind of mine and few words it takes for me just a couple of glasses of wine and shell be mine in time,..... Im no whoremonger but a wandering romantic that cant help but where this smile painted across my face despite the torments that trouble my mind inside, ..............My art show is around the corner,....Im collecting condiments at every corner store ,...Im the King of Condiments so its to come,....honey, mustard, relish , sweet onion, Chick fil a has pinacnte sauces that i grabbed along with pocket fulls of strawberry jam,...i cant explain everything i do its just what i do .......

I think Im in love i feel that im in love , but what is love?
im trying so hard to open myslef nad give myself to this blue eyed red haired young devil that ive given the nickname of trazon who i trully do love to hold all night long ,but its so hard for me especially when i have these other eyes, and yes there is always other eyes wanting to know what ticks inside of me,...its so hard to turn down a slice of romantic sexual pie especially when they give you that eye,....and im trying so hard so hard im trying....i knew this is what was going to happen ive written it time and time before that im the perfect design for a one night stand kiss kiss thank you mam,.....but im trying so hard to shake my urges and temptations,....but with so many flirtations advancing my way what can i say?
maybe im too nice?
smile too much?
.......
i dont wanna fuck this up ....damn you women ..
so anyways,.......im fighting demons daily to keep focus on that one blue eyed girl.....
and i think i can
i know i can,..
its gonna be hell after this showing and i warned her that jealousy was going to be her hardest challenge to overcome,....

i cant become my father ,.........
anyways,.........
25 more days until life begins or ends,......its time for me to erupt your comatosed conscious you sedated walking dead slumps of human ignorance,.....
when did we stop thinking and allow everything to think for us?
when did we become robots in the world and become so desensitized?
im confused as always but life goes on and may i never die until i look them all in the eye and say i told you so.

Corn Nut Wars, Watermellon Pornos, and,....Reisling Pirates

2008-08-19T04:03:28Z

A summary of the times,...
How could I begin to complain about friends or family who comes knocking on the door of my slumber like the damn cops who have full intentions of taking me out all night for free drinks and eats??? Well its been going on for the past 2 weeks and as much as i enjoy the club hopping and restraunt and bar hopping i would rather just stay in and dive into my own subconscious...
Its hard and difficult to go on to explain the small perks of life through those drunken nights that make me smile through out the day to reassure me that my soul is intact, so i'll reframe from trying to do so,.......People say to me at times im living the life??
What that entails or means im entirely aloof to knowing?
I feel my life at times is just a bleep or a tormented journey that no one seems to understand?
Yet,......im very very fortunate to have friends that take me away and for a minute i escape from the hell i put myself in and breathe in life for a moment again,...Im very fortunate,..
So .........i wake up friends are all over the place i remind them no matter how fucked up you get STAY AWAY from the ART!,....and i find wrappers of corn nuts all over the floor as if there was some kind of corn nut party , Picante, ranch, bar b q, originla ...not too many original wrappers because they are just to plain,......
So i was told eating alot of watermellon has the same effect as if i took a viagra pill,??
it might be true?
Ive recently met this blue eyed red hair deviled woman ive nicknamed Trazon Bzaird.......cant go into that right now but shes sucking the suxual blood out of me so ive had to turn to an alternative solution to assess the problem Watermelon, and i think its dedication on my part to willingly try to apease her needs by eating a fruit by yhte bucket full of which i hate to satisfy her sexually for hours on end,....and ,...you know it works ,....surprisingly it made her explode 4 times from what she tells me,.........
any how,.......life is going swazell........i invented a new word its LaZuv,.......and ive given that to her to remind her that its a word that out shines love,.........yeah .........

and how am i to turn down a girl who drinks Riesling out the damn bottle??
yeah life is good

* stars the screw in the skyy

2008-08-04T22:04:55Z

Im about a month and 24 days away till my journey comes to a screeching stop and i am given the first time in my life to wave their unbalanced in the hands of fate....
Im ready then again im not...
whatever,....time goes on....
So last night i discovered just how powerful i am physically or kenetically........i have a friend who weighs a good 300 pounds,....and ive recently have kinda sorta became an engagement splitter of two lovers whose passion went sour for one another and i was ther to pick up the pieces to her heart and glue them back together and show her that her spirit wasnt lost it just needed a little light shined on it again,....she tells me i give her retarded smiles ,.......what a great compliment from a guy who hates recieving them......

So heres the situation......
I've met this long red haired pale moon lighted skin blue eyes girl,...by which i still disagree and believe her eyes are yellow until this morning when i probed right into them and discoverd they were grey really more so than blue,.......anyways,...im nervous becasue i know where this womans head is at ,....shes drove all the way from out of town from Wimberley to Rendevous with me and there is no hunt on my end,...there is no wild cat dance ,....shes basically throwing the meat to the lion and this lion doesnt like to be feed ,but rather it likes to hunt and punce down on any prey i choose to be my victim that night,....so my love for her was there , the excitement might have disappeared somewhere in the air that night...
so im sitting there at the bar talking with her and Manny my dip shit roommate punches me in the chest or the ribs to the point im like what the fuck dude?
find time coutning your cigarettes or something ....we tend to play a punching game as done in the movie fight club only we dont hit in the face,....
so while im engaging in a conversation hes taking all these cheap shots on me while my head is turned,....and these arent your regular sprawling bag punches, these punches were aimed and intended to break or cripple my person,.......
although pain for me is just an emotion ive grown easy to ignore.....so after a while it got out of control and he punched me one last final time and my eyes flared up in a fire like a dragon and i cant really recall how it happenedi knotted up my fist to knock this guys guts to the other side of the bar becasue enough was enough already,......and instead i think i took his hand and he caught it and i just knoked his 300 pound ass right off the bar stool and his legs went right up into the air and fell on his back just like a turtle,.....and he hit hard and everyone saw or heard him hit,........
how ever i did this feat he stopped his shit and was blown away that i had that type of strength to completley move his gravity like that,..........
....
hours later im with Shanna,.......she was or is went to college to become an art teacher,.....and i hated to but she intruded in on my privacy and i was uneasy about that,.....so she comes to the apartment,....and sees my art work,.......and fromw hat she tells me is that its just genius,....i told her i tired of peope telling me that,.....i showed her my favorite red one ,.....she had no idea how it was made

,....this comes to that
im licking her tonsils in my bed insied my closet,...i love her down twice and wanted more,.....and spent the rest of the night sleeping deep inside her arms here and there,........she has a very high comfortable factor,.......better than duck pillows.///////

i left my sex with her,........
she says she likes it with the lights on